Family... Waiting....And the Story Continues......

Let me begin by saying, I never meant to take this long to write. With the crazy start to our year, finishing this post (which I began shortly after I posted the last one) took much longer than I planned. I'm sorry I made you wait for this, the next segment in our journey. (Not that I think many people are really reading this, but some of you have asked when I would finish our story.)  Just so you know ahead of time, there will be one more post after this one.

To continue our journey I will pick up where the last post ended. If you haven't read the first part of our story you can click here to catch up, before reading this post.

After five months of calls about children we were "for sure" getting that never panned out, we were more than a little discouraged and hurting.  We continued to lean on the Lord for our strength and had to say "In Your timing Lord."  

 By the time September arrived we had been called at least four or five times about children we never brought home.  Then on Tuesday September 8th Jeff took the day off to work upstairs (we were in the process of finishing the upstairs of our house).  Around 10 or 11 that morning,  I answer my phone to hear "Hi I was calling to tell you we have a baby girl, she was born two days ago, she was born addicted, and she is supposed to be going home today. Would you....." She couldn't get out the rest of her sentence because I was saying "YES! YES! YES!".  The case worker said that the likelihood of the baby going back to birth family was slim, and it was highly likely that we would adopt her. We were ecstatic! She also said she would call later to tell me when we needed to go to the hospital.  I ran up the stairs shouting "We are getting a newborn baby girl!" 

Later that day we were told she had jaundice and would have to stay overnight, so they could have lights on her to help her recover. We were upset that our little girl couldn't come home that night, but understood  the reason and wanted her to be well. We waited anxiously the next day, until early afternoon when I called (yes they are really bad about getting back with you when they need to) our case worker. I learned that our little girl started going through withdrawal the night before and was transferred to the NICU. I wanted to see her as soon as I could, (1) because I wanted to love on that sweet little girl for whom I had waited so long for and (2) because I didn't want her to be alone. I was told that the medical person would get in touch with me and I should be able to go that afternoon. In a later call I am told I couldn't go until Monday, because the birth parents were showing up at the NICU causing problems. We needed to wait until regulations for the birth parents were in place.  They called later in the week to tell me I could visit anytime, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and all weekend. Tuesdays and Thursdays were days the birth parents could visit, but only if they passed a drug screen. 

Monday I woke up very excited about meeting this sweet little girl for the first time.  After a long wait to learn the time we could visit I called only to discover the medical case worker was out sick and I couldn't go. On Tuesday she calls to tell me, she couldn't go because she was sick the day before. I was anxious to see this little girl, and was losing hope. It seemed to be going in the direction every one of the last four calls had gone, only drawn out much longer. 

I received a phone call Wednesday morning that told me I  would finally meet her that afternoon.  The caseworker was to meet me at the NICU that afternoon. So many emotions were overtaking me, excitement, anxiousness, sadness (for her situation) and nervousness.  I was going to meet a baby girl that could become my daughter.

I was trying to control my excitement, because there had been so many days we were told we could go that ended in disappointment. However a call from CSB scheduled a time the caseworker would meet me at the hospital. I arrived without knowing who I was looking for because I'd never met this case worker. It is a big hospital, but I knew the women's center quite well because that is where my fertility specialist was located, and I had two surgeries there. I waited for the caseworker at the front desk and remember we signed in and took the elevator to the second floor. As we stepped in, and the doors closed, I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, as if saying "is this REALLY happening? Am I really going to meet MY baby".

At the NICU front desk I had to sign papers, the case worker had to give information, and they made copies of my drivers license, just for me to get in. This is not normal procedure, but was due to the birth family circumstances that our little girl was born into. This was to protect her and the hospital from any unauthorized visits.

Finally I was through the double doors, then I had to turn right, then left, go down a short hall, then turn right and her room was on the left (I remember those halls like it was yesterday). It seemed like those halls were never ending on that day. My world changed forever the moment I walked through the door and saw that beautiful little girl! I walked to her crib and fell in love with this precious child. Seeing all the monitors, wires and tubes, broke my heart for her. As we waited in the room for a nurse, the CSB worker explained more about the situation, asked me what we were going to name her, and so many other things that you would only talk about when you are sure the baby is staying in the adoptive home into which they are going. When the nurse came in she asked if I would like to hold her, and of course I, wanting nothing more at that moment, said "Yes!". After scrubbing in, I was able to hold her for quite a while, feed her and change her. She was so tiny, 6 lbs 13 1/4 oz and 19 1/2 inches long, I felt like I was holding a baby doll. I was truly in love with this precious little girl.

That day as I drive the 45 minutes home from the hospital, my heart broke because I had to leave her. I called Jeff and as soon as he answered the phone, through happy tears I said "YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE HER!"

After the first week I called CSB to ask if I could go every day if the birth parents didn't go, After checking with supervisors they said I could call each of those two days to see if the birth parents had checked in and were going to visit the baby. If they weren't going, we were free to go. After the drug screen regulations went into effect, the birth parents never checked in with CSB, so for the next 2 1/2 weeks I drove to the hospital to snuggle, feed, change, bath and learn how to care for  the special needs of my sweet little girl, almost every day.  Some days I would go early to meet with the doctors in the morning, others I would go in the evening so Jeff could go with me.  Then October arrived and I went to see her early on that Thursday to visit her when the doctors came in. I knew she was improving, and wanted to see if they thought she would be going home soon.  I expected them to say what they always said while praying for something different. In reality, I expected it would be another two weeks or more. Of course, when the doctors came in and checked her, I asked the question and waited anticipating the normal response.  The doctor team looked over her chart, saw her progress and said "Well if she keeps improving and her numbers don't go down, she could go home this weekend." I know I must have looked at them like I had just won the biggest prize of my life, and said "REALLY, are you serious?" They confirmed, but didn't want me to get my hopes up. So we prayed, and we had others pray, and we prayed some more.

I visited her on Friday and she was still doing great, so I was hopeful.  They had to do the car seat check, to make sure she was okay riding in it and that her heart rate wouldn't drop. Plus they had to do other checks and other training for us to take her home.  We were thinking if things went right, we would be able to bring her home on Sunday.  On Saturday October 3rd we weren't planning to go until evening, because we had to run a kiddie tractor pull that afternoon. On the days we couldn't visit until later in the day, I always called each morning to learn how she did the night before, because nights were pretty rough on her. Many times I would hang up in tears just wanting to hold her and protect her. So, I called shortly after we got up that Saturday morning asking how she was doing. When the nurse said "Great, she is going home today!" I said "REALLY! We get to come get her!" You must know, as soon as I hung up, I yelled at the top of my lungs, "SHES COMING HOME!" which Jeff really didn't need to hear, because he heard me on the phone. At that moment I was shaking, and crying and laughing, all at the same time. We rushed to get ready, packed her going home outfit, and headed down to the hospital to bring our baby girl home.

We arrived, signed all our papers, changed her clothes and received the last minute training that we need to continue the kind of care she received the last four weeks in NICU. The hospital case worker arrived to go over other papers and instructions. Then the nurse tells Jeff to pull the car around.  The nurse walks me and my sweet baby girl down and after big hugs, we were taking our baby home. Wish I could have hugged every one of those amazing nurses at the Miami Valley NICU! They are a very special group of ladies who care for these special babies. We took our baby girl home for a very brief time, because we still had to run the very last kiddie tractor pull of the year.  All I wanted to do was stay home and love on my baby, but we had a contract to fill with no one else to do the work. I am pretty sure that is the fastest we ever ran a tractor pull! I had our sweet girl bundled up in her car seat in the trailer, rocking her to keep her from crying.  I am so thankful there were people who were more than willing to jump in and help do the paper work, because they knew this new mommy, who just wanted to get home, couldn't do it all and take care of her daughter. When the kiddie tractor pull was finally over, we quickly took her home to be a family.  Ahhhhhhh! What joy!

We knew, going into this,  we had a long journey ahead because there is always a lot of long term effects when a child is born addicted to drugs. We also knew we have a God that is so much bigger. There were many long days and nights with lots of crying, there were lots of occupational and physical therapy training I had to have, to work with her daily. But we had the adoption on our side, and thought we would be able to finalize in about six months. We thought, form everything CSB was telling us, it was just jumping through the hoops at this point. In truth, that turned into a long journey of highs and lows, visitation,  hearings, and finally an actual full trial before the state got permanent custody. It was a VERY long battle that we weren't expecting because they told us she WAS going to be ours. There were many days of crying over her situation, and the thought of losing her.

Praise the Lord on July 22, 2011 we had our permanent custody hearing and our baby became ours forever.

We are Blessed beyond anything we can ever explain. God truly loves us more than anything we deserve.

For this I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations, and sing praises to your name. 2 Samuel 22:50

Family..... Waiting Is Hard, but God's Timing Is Much Better than Ours.

So I have had a lot of people through the years tell me that I should write down our story, well the story of our journey that is. So here is a little glimpse into the journey that my amazing husband and I have taken in the last 10 years.

Our story starts back in 2003 when we said "I do," and started our life together, on June 14th (I may have picked the 14th due to the fact it would be an easier number for my dear forgetful husband to remember, since it is the same number as Valentines day).  We got married, then about 6 months later, in December, we decided we wanted to start growing our family.

We both love children and knew we wanted a big family. Okay so that isn't completely true, I knew I wanted a big family, he wanted 2 and I wanted at least 4 (wait till the end to see who is winning).

After a year to a year and a half, I went to see a doctor, which after several months of no results, sent me to a specialist. My first visit to the specialist was so encouraging, he was sure he could help me and have great results. So he started me on a couple different medications (one was the same as what the other doctor had me on for 3 months), then 2 weeks later I came back to find it did nothing.   He decided to try something different, this time it came with a needle attached that had to go into my stomach every morning for 7-14 days (depending on the month, some they extended it). Then it moved to one kind of injection in the morning and one kind in the evening, this had to be at the exact same hour morning and night everyday. After several months of emotional highs and extreme lows, hormones that were off the map (my poor husband), floods of tears, anger, jealousy and feelings of being an inadequate wife, nothing would ever happen. My body wouldn't produce even a single little egg. Every month would end with me laying on the floor of our house sobbing and begging the Lord for a baby. They decided to do some exploratory surgery to figure out if something more was going on, so I had a laparoscopic surgery which made them realize I needed a bigger surgery in a couple months.  I had the second surgery and had to wait a couple months to see what was going to happen, then they started the process again. This time they raise the dosage of the medication as much as they could without harvesting the eggs for in-vitro fertilization, that is a LOT of hormones being pumped into a body. After several months of the same thing, we decided we couldn't do it anymore, we had to stop. I don't think my body or emotions could handle anymore.

We started looking into adoption, we called, emailed and met with several different agencies. All that to find out, there was no possible way we could afford a private adoption at that time. Then we decided to look into becoming Foster/Adoptive parents, so we went to some meetings through the county we were interested in, to end up seeing God abruptly close that door. At this point we were praying and thanking God for the family we had, though very small and having no children, we still had a beautiful family that our Heavenly Father created. God helped us come to a place where we were good, no we actually came to a place where we were great just being the two of us. I cherish that time God gave us together, growing closer to each other, and being able to spend an amazing amount of time with our nephews. I will always be thankful for that time. Without that we wouldn't have the relationship and closeness we have, and we wouldn't have the bond with our nephews that we are so blessed to have.  I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

After about a year and a half of spending time with just each other, God started nudging us toward adoption again. This time he was directing us to foster/adoption. He wanted us to love on these babies that had been through so much, the way that Jesus loves them.  He was continually reminding us that we are called to care for orphans. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. James 1:27. God started opening doors for us as we started looking into a different foster/adoption agency in a different county.  We started the process in June/July of 2008 and were licensed by that October. 

In January 2009 we got a call that there was a 5 month old baby boy. Well actually our call said "We have an African American little girl", the next call said it was a boy.  We arrived at Children Services and there was only one baby there, and he was in a car seat in the hallway outside the offices.  We weren't quite sure if he was our little boy or if we needed to wait till our little boy got there. We weren't sure because this little boy was a blonde haired, blue eyed Caucasian little boy. Pretty sure they needed to do a little more research on that one.  

We fell in love with our little boy soon after bringing him home.  He was delayed in some areas and didn't sleep well at all. After a couple weeks of getting him on a schedule, with regular meal and bedtimes, he wasn't crying nearly as much and he started to thrive. He became such a happy baby and he learned to roll over and started scooting around on his belly. Well a month passed and they decided to send him back to his birth mom, my heart dropped. We got the call and had to take him back the next morning. Praise the Lord for my dear friend Sherri, who was able to ride along with me because I was a wreck. She was there for me and helped me through that really rough day. God has truly blessed me through the years with some amazing friends, and she truly is one of them. 

Fast forward a little over a week (yes a week)........ we get a call and they had to take the little boy back into care. This time they told us it was going to be long term, well about a month later we got a call and the case worker said, in a VERY chipper voice,  "Well I've got good news......... The Grandma is going to take him"......... I said "what?" because I just couldn't process it, especially from the way she said it. The workers knew our background and our heart to have a family, so when she said those words it crushed me. The next evening we had to take him back, this time after meeting the grandmother and talking to her, we felt much better about things. We could tell this was a good thing, and had such peace about it. 

Over the next 5 months we got 4 calls for babies that "we were getting," and within a day or two, every one of them fell through.  With every call I received telling me it wasn't going to happen, my heart broke more and more. Never realizing that with every broken heart, God was preparing me for the special gifts He had for us. He was giving us a longing and love for our children, before we even met them.

Because our journey is so long, I am going to break it up into a few posts. So until next time I leave you with this. 

During these 6 plus years there was one verse that we clung to. 
"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope," (Romans 5:3-4, ESV)

Yummy Soft Pretzels

My family loves Auntie Anne's Soft Pretzels, but they are so expensive so we very rarely get them (if we get them once a year, that is a lot). I was on a mission to find a pretzel that tasted the same, cause I am a bit of a pretzel snob, when it comes to soft pretzels.  I just have never been a fan of the pretzels from other places, but I could eat the buttery goodness of those Auntie Anne's Pretzels every day.

So began my search for the perfect recipe.  I found this recipe here, then I made changes to it and came up with my own recipe. The results is something I will make over and over again, for years to come, and I will not be paying for those expensive pretzels at the mall anymore. Plus they were a hit with everyone that tried them. The first time I made them, I made them for our life group and there weren't many left to bring home. The next time I made them, my family devoured them in about 20 minutes from removing from the oven. 

Soft Pretzels

servings 12

Prep time 25 minutes

Rest/Rising time 1hour

Bake time 8 minutes

Total time 1hour 35 minutes

 4 teaspoons instant yeast

 1 teaspoon white sugar

 1 1/4 cups warm water 

 4 cups bread flour flour 

 1/2 cup white sugar

 1 1/2 teaspoons salt

 1 tablespoon vegetable oil

 1/2 cup baking soda

 4 cups hot water

 1-2 Tb kosher salt, for topping 

1/4 cup real butter- melted

Directions

In a small bowl, dissolve yeast and 1 teaspoon sugar in warm water. Let stand, it will bloom and is ready by the time you measure everything else out into mixing bowl. 

In a stand mixer bowl, mix together flour, 1/2 cup sugar, and salt. Make a well in the center; add the oil and yeast mixture. Mix on low with dough hook till all combined, then turn up to medium and need dough for about 3-4 minutes. Remove dough from bowl and hook, an place on a lightly floured surface. Knead the dough by hand until smooth, about 3 to 5 minutes. Lightly oil a large bowl, place the dough in the bowl and turn to coat with oil. Cover with plastic wrap and let rise in a warm place until doubled in size, about 1 hour. 

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. In a large bowl, dissolve baking soda in hot water.

When risen, turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and divide into 12 equal pieces. Roll each piece into a rope and twist into a pretzel shape or letter shapes and set aside. (the thinner you roll them out, the more like Auntie Anne's they will taste) Once all of the dough is all shaped, stir the baking soda solution to mix all the soda that has settled to the bottom, then dip each pretzel into the baking soda solution and place on a greased baking sheet. 

Bake in preheated oven for 8 minutes, until browned.

Take them out of the oven and brush with melted butter then sprinkle with kosher salt

I hope you enjoy these as much as our family does.  Please leave a comment and tell me what you think. :) 

Also I am going to try and start blogging more, it has been 2 years since my last post, so please follow me and then you can keep up with all the goings on in my crazy kitchen and home. 

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